Life at 40 (and beyond)

My 40th birthday BBQ at my mum's house

So, almost 2 weeks ago, I turned 40. 

Some people might think that this included a lot of wailing and crying, but to be honest, I was looking forward to this decade change.

I know - what a cute child

I wouldn't say that my life before had been terrible, it's been pretty good to be fair. But the last few years have certainly seen a massive improvement.

I graduated at the age of 34 and since then, I have had a surge in career. Less than a month after finishing my last university course, I found a job as a part-time English lecturer at a college. They decided to interview me and then proceeded to offer me a full time position. I have gone on to complete my PGCE (with Merit - get me) and more recently, I was promoted to a Teaching and Learning Coach. Although things are not perfect - education is a funny place to be right now - there are still times when I am reminded how much I love my job. 

I have ideas and plans about what I would like to do next - I don't want to stay still for long. As my daughter gets older, and starts her own journey towards the world of work, I feel like there are more opportunities for me now than there were in my twenties, and I can't wait to see where I go next.

Check out ma' guns

It's no secret, I like to work out (and post semi naked photos to prove it).

As a teenager I used to swim regularly for a club, as well as play netball, and occasionally get drafted in for some athletics, for my school. As I moved into my twenties, I still managed to stay thin, although I wouldn't say as fit.

Then pregnancy happened. I went up to a size 14/16 which might not sound big, but for someone who used to be as active as myself, it seemed horrific. For a while I didn't do anything about it. I told myself that I could be comfortable as I was and this was what my body would be like from now on. But it was a lie, one I told myself because I wasn't ready to put in the work.

I can't pinpoint the moment I said enough was enough, but I made the decision to start exercising and eating better. I went back swimming, even completing the Swimathon in 2013. Since then I have bought an exercise bike, as well as several kettlebells, to add to my exercise routine. I have lost, and managed to keep off, more than 2 stone.

I also spent my time improving my knowledge of nutrition. I'm certainly no expert but I have spent many hours researching the best way to fuel my body to keep it healthy as I age. In fact, I feel fitter and stronger now that I ever did when I was younger which is why I have loved turning 40... surely it can only get better as I find out more. I'm extremely interested in continuing to educate myself about health and well-being (new career path, hmmm?)

The night before my birthday

There was a time in my life when there was no way that I would leave the house without wearing makeup. I don't know why, I certainly wasn't an expert at it, but my face was not to be seen bare.

As with the exercise, I couldn't tell you when I made my decision, but one day I just wondered who I was trying to impress. What was the point in spending all that time covering up, just to face mostly strangers. One day, I left the house with no makeup on. There were no comments or sneers to suggest that I had made a huge mistake. I couldn't remember why I had been so worried about it. It became more and more normal until eventually the makeup free days outnumbered the made up ones. 

In the last 2 years, I have come to terms with how I look as I get older. Even at my age, I'm still experimenting about what products to put on my face, and no treatments have ever been able to help the hormonal acne that makes a regular appearance on my jawline. However, I have always cleansed, toned and moisturised which seems to be helping keep those wrinkles at bay... for now. I have seen other people my age use some extra help to look young(er). For now I'm making the decision to grow old as naturally as possible - but never say never.

I think the fact that I exercise regularly, and try to eat well most of the time (which is ironic considering the amount of chocolate and wine I have consumed since my birthday weekend) helps with my self-confidence, which makes it easier to like what I see in the mirror more often than not. 

My birthday BBQ

The saying goes: "40 is the new 30" but actually I don't think it's the new anything. It's just an age and it can be the end of something, or just the beginning. Age is the passing of time, and while I cannot stop, or even slow the days that come and go, I can make the most of each and every one and that's what I plan on doing. For me, 40 is a great age - come back in a decade and we'll see if I'm as enthusiastic for 50 😂

Born (makeup) Free

I'm not sure if it's an age thing, or a downright laziness thing, but I have been spending many, many (many, many) more days without bothering to slap on a drop of foundation, or a splodge of mascara. 

Now, you're probably shouting at the screen "well of course you have stupid, there's been nowhere to bloody go". And you're obviously right, but just hear me out.

I'm not the girliest of girls. I watch a lot of sport like rugby, football and MMA (and I know what's going on),  I headbang to loud music, I burp with comfortable ease, and I am bloody clueless about makeup. For all of my adult years I have been winging it when it comes to doing up my face. I'm not saying I'm awful at it, but it is definitely a case of 'let's see what happens when I do this'. 

But despite my lack of expertise, I still buy and use makeup as it made me feel better. I thought I could hide the spots and redness that regularly made an appearance, or try to make the black bags under my eyes suddenly disappear (I'm really talking myself up here I know). Makeup was a mask. 

I also used it to stand out at gigs. You see, as I get older, I felt a lot more boring compared to a lot of the young, skinny rock chicks that frequent the same music venues. Their hair, their clothes... I felt so dull (and yes, was feeling my age), so sometimes used makeup and hair dye to show that I'm more than just ordinary. 

Then lockdown came along. Working from home became the norm. Originally it was a case of utter laziness. What was the point in getting all done up just to sit on my laptop all day? The camera on my laptop was fuzzy enough to get away with a plain face during all those Microsoft Team meetings, result!

So, the days (then weeks, then months) of bare face meant that I had time to work on my skin. Unfortunately I suffer with hormonal acne (cheers endometriosis and PCOS 👍) so there is only so much I can do, but I did my research and tried some new products. There have been weeks of experimenting with varying combinations of products. I don't have the winning combo just yet but I have made a permanent change by adding SPF to my usual routine. 

UV rays are the main cause of aging so I make sure I wear this stuff every day. I'm determined to age as naturally as possible (ie. no surgery or injections) but there's nothing wrong with using other bits and bobs to slow the process.

Anyway, my skin is slowly making some improvements so now going makeup free is an option for me. I also think other factors have helped to increase my confidence, like working on my physical health, and mental well-being. 

So, have I decided to ditch makeup altogether? Hell no! However, I am feeling more confident about leaving the flat with any foundation or mascara. It could be because I'm used to going without it, because of my increased confidence, or maybe it could be because we're in the middle of a heatwave and makeup would just melt off in seconds anyway.

I can't speak for all women but for me, going without makeup has been a big step. I still have moments when I worry what people will think of me, based purely on what I look like (hence the change in hair and makeup above - I was only going to the cinema). But it's something I'm working on - not giving a fuck what people think. Something as frivolous as makeup is just the first step.

What Has Lockdown Taught Me?

I start this blog as I'm in the car, on my way back home from a week away in Scotland. It was a trip we had planned for our first wedding anniversary in May, but obviously Covid 19 put a stop to that. 

We visit Scotland every year but this trip was different; many places were still shut, face masks everywhere and food outlets were restricted. But it didn't ruin the experience as we found new places to visit and eat (had an amazing fish supper on the last evening - will definitely go back to that chippy next year). And that's what inspired me to write this blog. Yes, Covid has been awful with death and ruination across the country. It has changed the way people work and take care of themselves (or not). It has spawned a 'new normal' for many, including myself. And it's this new normal that has taught me alot about what I want and who I want to be (having nowhere to go for months on end equals many, many hours of thinking time).

Fitness First

This photo was taken a couple of weeks before our trip so may not be the truest reflection of how I look right now (damn you haggis, ice-cream and wine). However, the last few months have given me time to work on my fitness. 

Back in March, just as lockdown was kicking in, all I wanted to do was lose weight. I was obsessed with getting down to my wedding weight (135lbs/10 stone 9lbs). I worked out each morning and restricted my diet. That, along with being stuck inside all day, plus the number on the scale not shifting fast enough, meant I was miserable. I couldn't spend the next few months feeling this awful. So I switched focus. Instead of keeping my calories super low, I would aim for 100g protein each day, and make more progress with my weights. 

Since then, I dropped a few pounds while eating good food and not starving myself. I'm trying body recomposition (losing body fat whilst building muscle). It's a sloooooooow process but I know it'll be worth it in the end.

Who's your mummy, and what does she do?

I have been working from home ever since lockdown started. This has been my desk for the last 3 months. It has been difficult at times, but there have been aspects about working from home that I will be sad to see go. For example, I don't miss the 5am alarm calls and hour long commute each way. 

I enjoy my job, but wondering if I need a new challenge. I teach GCSE English to a group of (mostly) young males who hated the subject at school and resent the fact that they are being made to repeat it (sometimes more than once). I understand their pain, it must be completely disheartening to have to retake an exam you failed the first time (at least according to government expectations). When I do get those learners who succeed, there is no greater feeling, but the journey there is emotionally exhausting.

I also enjoy the other aspect to my role, supporting new teachers in the college. I love guiding them through the college processes and helping them to achieve all they can. Again, when they ace their probation observation, it feels amazing. But I can see a rough year ahead. I don't know what it is, but I can sense the changes.

I want a role where I can help and support people, but maybe in a different environment. There is also a part of me that wishes to carve out a path of my own, working for myself. How that might look? I have a few ideas but this is definitely a subject to be continued.

Doing it naturally

This could be linked to the whole fitness aspect of my life, or it could be that as I get older, I'm OK with saying "fuck it" more often. Recently, there has been a bit of a surge in confidence in this 39 year old. I am growing out my overly dyed hair, am buying the clothes I like (as opposed to getting the opinions of others first) and have started going out more sans makeup. And I don't mean just to pop to the shops, I mean going out for the day with photos a plenty as evidence. This is a big deal for me, and I'm going to write a blog post dedicated to the journey of my face. Until then, lockdown taught me to not worry so much about my face (looks like it's going to be half covered in public for the foreseeable anyway).

Blog Life 

I didn't take advantage of my time to create any blog posts. Maybe because I wasn't doing anything worth writing about. But actually, quarantine life is still life. I was just making excuses not to write and that made me sad. This blog is about me; the good, the bad and the downright ugly. So here I am. Besides, everyone needs something to read in the bathroom, am I right? 🤣

Think I'll leave it there for now. I'm still in holiday mode (and have an extra 3 1/2 lbs to prove it) so going to enjoy the last game of the season and then get back to business on Monday.

Getting into the Groove - My Lockdown Routine (and how it stops me going insane)

First of all, welcome to my new blog. Actually it's just the old blog with a different name but it feels like a brand new venture. I had already decided to open this up to more than just film reviews (although they will still remain a feature when the cinema finally opens back up) but thought the change in title would make it more obvious.

We are now in the midst of week 6 of lockdown with no clear indication of when it will eventually start to drift back to normality. It's hard. I have had several wobbles; times when I've wanted to curl up into a ball and just cry. I'm lucky in that my hubby and daughter have been here to get me through any dark moments. And the rest of the time I find that if I have a structure, it takes my mind off of the scary moments and keeps me focused. I'm not going to take you through my day hour by hour, that's just dull and not helpful to everyone as we all have our own timetable. But, I will share my lockdown non-negotiables, the things I always include to keep me sane (or at least a manageable level of insanity)

Post workout glow

Exercise
This is a must for me! I always feel like I've achieved something if I workout. It doesn't have to be a huge sweat-fest, but it has to be at least 30 minutes where I move my body and get my heart rate up. I just use whatever I have available which includes some kettlebells, resistance bands, my old Wii Fit step and an old exercise bike. Plus I always end my workout with 10 minutes of yoga. I started to include this regularly as I find that the stretching helps my muscles (so important at my age) and it helps with calming my brain before I start my day... namaste.

Always love a cuppa - a present from my dad and his wife

Tea
I know a lot of coffee drinkers, and I sometimes envy the choice they have when they saunter into a Starbucks or Costa and have an array of tastes and flavours to pick from. But I tried coffee once, and it certainly didn't agree with me. So that just leaves me with hot chocolate and my trusted cuppa.
Tea is life, and I'm not exaggerating. It's the thing that wakes me in the morning, and soothes me to sleep at night (decaffeinated of course). I am a habitual early riser (even at the weekends I'm normally up before others) so my first cup is almost always enjoyed by myself, with no one around to disturb me. This is my 'me' time and I bloody love it. That isn't to say I don't like my family, but there is something special about that time in the morning where I can sit in silence, maybe read a little, or listen to my morning motivation podcast and savour my caffeine in peace. I hesitate to think what would happen if this part of my day ever changes 😧

We like to get creative at work

Walk
As soon as 5pm ticks around, my laptop goes off. That might not seem unusual, however as a teacher, it's almost unheard of. But, as people keep saying, this is an unprecedented time and as this madness continues, so will my 5 o'clock sign off. And that leads me to my next must-do, my daily walk.
At the beginning of the lockdown, I would only go for a walk every few days, just when I wasn't using weights to workout. But as days turned to weeks, I started to get a bit of cabin fever and that was very unsettling. Hubby suggested that maybe I should go for a walk after work (which means he was cooking dinner - bonus). So, for the last 2 weeks, I have finished work, grabbed my trainers and gone out into the 'fresh' air. My daughter has also started to join me on these little strolls. Where I adore my alone time in the morning, I equally love this mother daughter time in the late afternoon. I barely see her as she does all her school work and has her chill time in her room, so this is our time to catch up and check how we are both doing. Different scenery helps me, even if it is just for half an hour a day.

I own an Amazon tablet but sometimes there is nothing better than a traditional book
 

Reading

This is something that I tried to do regularly pre Covid-19, lockdown has just given me more opportunities to get into a good book or article. And as much as I love a good film or TV series, I sometimes need to use my own imagination for a while and that is where reading is perfect. I vary what I read; autobiographies, fitness articles, historical novels, satirical political magazines, etc. I currently use my lunchtime for 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted book time. I need this time as I find it a very calming activity and one that stops my brain from over thinking about other stuff.

There are other elements to my lockdown routine but at the moment the list above are the main things that get me through, that make each day a little more bearable. Feel free to comment if there is anything that is getting you through lockdown or maybe give some of these things a go if you're not already.

If weight is just a number, why does it bother me so much?

As the blurb on my blog informs anyone who chances upon my printed thoughts, I am approaching 40. In fact I'm on the final stretch to the big day - 4 months and one week to go 👍. This does not bother me. In fact I am embracing the impending decade change with excitement. I guess it's because this time in my life is the most stable, and the most enjoyable I've experienced for a long, long time. Getting older isn't as scary as I thought it would be. I've even decided to start growing out my grey hair (well, being in quarantine has certainly helped that decision).
So if finally crossing over into my 5th decade isn't a problem, you'd think that I'm probably one of those annoying people who have their life together. ❌ WRONG! While some areas of my life could be described as together (all be it with sellotape, pritt-stick and a large dollop of hope) other parts are a complete mess. Top of the 'what the hell is going on' list is something I think a lot of people can relate to... my weight.

                                               

I have a love/hate relationship with my weight right now which is probably being emphasised by the current situation. I started the quarantine determined not to fall victim to boredom snacking, then I got it into my head that I could actually leave the flat as a better, much improved version of the one that went into lock-down.

Now, five weeks in and I am constantly beating myself up because I have failed to lose more than a pound. Actually, that's not quite true. I have dipped below 10 stone but then found myself bouncing right back up again. Days later, the number would decrease and I was on my journey again. Until the number went up and... I think you get the idea. Weight loss is never linear, I know that, unfortunately that hasn't made me think any more rationally. This has been creating a vicious cycle that I am finally starting to see isn't helping my mental health.

Pregnant with Sophie at 7 and 8 months

I have never been extremely overweight. I was very lucky that I didn't put on loads of weight when I was pregnant. However, I did go up to a size 14 which for me, an ex-swimmer, ex-captain of the netball team, fairly active person up until the month I gave birth, was not comfortable. It took many years but eventually I went from 12 stone to 9 and a half stone.

All well and good, but it never lasted. I didn't go back up to my biggest weight, but I did yo-yo for a bit. I would have patches of regular activity (I trained for and completed a Swimathon, cycled to and from work for over a year) and then I would have times when I could not be bothered. Whether I used my studying or health issues, there was an excuse I could fall back on until I was fed up enough to go again.

Very sophisticated for a lass from Dag'nam!

My last surge was in the lead up to my wedding. Like most brides, I wanted to look my best on the big day so I was on the workout and healthy eating trail once again. I love my photos and loved the way I looked on the day (which is also in part thanks to my excellent photographer and awesome hair and makeup lady).

As is the way, after the wedding, I wasn't as 'strict' and the weight went slowly up. By the time 2019 came to the home straight, I was 10 pounds heavier.

Dressed up to see Cher at the O2 (Oct' 2019) (size 10 - just)

Which brings me to now. As I've said before (and I might mention again) 40 is coming up and I decided that this was the birthday where I wanted to make a fuss. Then Covid-19 happened to the world and priorities changed. Plans can be rearranged, people's health cannot. Working from home became the new norm and the outside world almost became a forbidden zone.

With all these changes, you'd think that I would adapt with them. Apparently not. In my head I am still on the track to my best self and to hell with the fact that things are not normal right now. So any deviations from that plan put me in a funk and I started to overthink EVERYTHING. Why am I not losing pounds every week? Why do I not have a butt of steel already? Why can't I just eat chocolate and drink wine, and still have a six-pack? 

2011 - size 12/14

I'm very careful not to mention weight in front of my daughter. I make sure I emphasise exercise and diet for health and strength, but I'm sure she senses my foul mood when I've found out that the scales have failed to shift, or worse, gone in the 'wrong' direction.

I have a horrible habit of weighing myself every morning. I don't know why, or what I expect to happen. I tried to put my scales away. That lasted for a week before they found their way back into the bathroom and available for my daily torture. This is something that I know I need to get away from asap.

I also need to stop being hard on myself. I am still getting up at 6am and working out. I have had to adapt my routine as three weeks into lockdown, my right knee started to swell and I had to rest it (which I obviously hated). Now it's mostly bodyweights with some yoga. 

Then my walks have also changed. My daughter has started to join me out and about, so instead of sticking in earphones and walking with purpose, we enjoy the outdoors and chat. This is mother daughter time and I have been enjoying it immensely - much more important that trying to burn a few extra calories.

I don't want to be skinny, I want to be me, just a really healthy (read - sexy?) me. I have to try and disassociate the numbers on a scale with how I look and feel. I know that won't be easy and I'm not going to kid myself that I can just stop thinking about losing pounds. But I also know there are other concerns in the world and it is more important to worry about my mental well-being rather than the size of my stomach. 

Film Day 2020 (Easter Edition)

It has now become a twice annual tradition in this household to have a proper film day. That's a day where we sit around in PJs, eat junk food and watch as many films as we can fit in.

Normally this would occur around the Easter and Christmas holidays, time when we spend the majority of our days going out and about, so it would be a nice change of pace to stay home and do nothing but watch movies. However, Covid-19 has made staying in the only option for families this Easter time so it might seem that our planned film day isn't as unusual as it has previously sounded to others. But, it's our tradition, so lockdown or no lockdown, it's going ahead.

Our family film day has a process. For one, we start to narrow down our options weeks in advance. This isn't because we are particularly organised, but more for the fact that there are so many films we want to watch, and we are notorious for spending an unnecessarily stupid amount of time trying to agree, that if it doesn't get decided on before the day, it isn't happening.
Luckily, we had made most of the decisions beforehand as, let's face it, there was nothing else better to do anyway.

We started just before 10am with our blockbuster of the day, Aquaman. Yes, I know. As a family of geeks, it is almost shameful to admit that we had still not seen it, even after Sophie got to cuddle up to Mr Momoa at our most recent Comic-Con outing. But, that was the past as at 9.45(ish)am yesterday, we finally watched it. 
Now this blog-post isn't a review; most of the films we watch are ones which managed to pass us by at the cinema for some inexplicable reason, so I won't be running through my usual thoughts and opinions on each flick. However, it was a pretty decent start to film day, my only gripe being who on earth thought that soundtrack was a good idea?

Second up, The Last Samurai. Hubby and myself had watched this together some years ago, but we haven't revisited it since, which is bizarre when you consider my love for all things Japanese, especially historically. But, this seemed as good a time as any for a second viewing and also a good time to introduce it to our daughter. 
I forgot how much I loved the film. Good story, great actors, and some of the visuals could be ripped right off the screen and stuck in an art gallery; stunning. 
One thing I did have to do was shut up while we watched. You see, in the time between our previous and recent viewing, I had read a lot about Samurai history, including about the man labelled as the actual last samurai, Saigo Takamori. I have become fascinated with him as a person, including planning to have him inked onto my left arm. So, it was for the love of my family that I was forced to stop commenting on how 'it was never like that' and just enjoy the film, which I did.

Third film of the day was Reservoir Dogs. There was a lot riding on this one. My poor 14 year old daughter has been bombarded, over time, with my love of Tarantino. Every time a new film is released, I go into fan girl mode. Another significant fact is that I first saw Reservoir Dogs at the age of 14, when I made myself up and walked into the cinema (with a much older boyfriend at the time) having no clue how this small film would change my view on movies. So, with my child being of that age (but thankfully with a better sense of relationships than her mother), it seemed a good time to share. 
And, 98 minutes later, I looked expectantly at my child to gauge her reaction to this magnificent film. She looked me in the eyes and said "Meh."
😲
It's OK, my heart is not really broken. I never really watched all the films that Sophie has done up until this point so compared to some of the things she has seen, it must have seemed quite dull. Hubby thinks she'll perk up a bit with Pulp Fiction, but maybe I'm just going to have to face facts, not everyone loves Tarantino (even if they do have half of my genetics).

It seemed a little unfair for Sophie to suffer through a film she didn't like, so choice number 4 was hers, and what a choice; Avengement. Scott Adkins as a man out for revenge 👍 
Some proper dodgy EastEnd accents and some violent set pieces; Sophie loved it. Little fact, hubby and I went to see this movie at the cinema. It was a one off showing in Stratford that had the man himself, Mr Adkins in attendance. I was also sitting only a few metres away from Mr Jean-Paul Ly but that's another story.

And for the last film of the night (after a quick dinner break) we decided to watch See No Evil, Hear No Evil (we always like to put on a comedy as part of our film days). I haven't seen this film in years. Has it stood the test of decades? Mostly. There were a couple of times that I cringed inwardly but nothing that completely spoiled it for me. And Sophie found it extremely entertaining (hubby loves this movie anyway so it was always going to be a winner for him) so I was happy that we managed to end the evening on a good note.

Thus, at 8.30(ish)pm, film day was over and done with. 

And what was the point of this post. There are no reviews to speak of, and there is no lesson to learn in all this. The only thing I wish to share is that days like these make me extremely happy. Sharing films with the hubby, both old and new, as well as introducing Sophie to new motion picture experiences, that's my jam. The husband wishes to make the next film day themed, picking a certain actor or genre to stick to, but I like the chaos and randomness that we sometimes achieve through our film choices. Who will get their way? I guess we'll find out at Christmas.

Guess Who's Back?

It has been a while, years in fact. What the hell has been happening during that time?
Well, after taking a teaching job in 2015, I started my PGCE which took 2 years to complete (whilst also working a full timetable - lots of fun).
Then last year, I managed to get myself promoted as a Teaching and Learning Coach - oooo, get me!

I've still been going to the cinema and watching as many films as I could mentally cram in, but I just didn't have the time to write about them. To air my views about the latest movies, as well as sharing my thoughts on moving pictures from the past, there just wasn't the time to squeeze that in among the hours of planning, marking, report writing, etc. Or that's what I told myself.

But times, they are a-changing. The current situation has meant that the outdoors is no longer accessible and we have to find new things to do to keep our brains from exploding with utter boredom and worry.
The hubby (oh yeah, I did a thing) has encouraged me to get back to writing this blog. Yes, the cinema is a no-go area, but with Netflix, Prime, Disney +, etc. there are still plenty of of things to watch and absorb. So here I am, back to something that brought me so much joy (and a bit of agonizing over vocabulary choice and punctuation placement) to share my thoughts with... well, whoever wants to read this.

Obviously, with the blog being (currently) confined to indoor entertainment, there may be some new topics of conversation, but everything will be from the mind of this slightly eccentric, now closer to forty, film loving, blogger.